FINDING HOPE AMIDST The STRUGGLES: A JOURNEY OF LOVE, LOSS, AND RESILIENCE

 "My name is Damaris Kawira. I am from Maua, Meru County. I am going to tell you more about myself. This is a true story about myself. I know this will reach out to many people out there who are going through a lot, and also to the young girls out there who want to start life. I just felt I needed to talk and share this. I am tired of silent pain. I need to share and talk to the world. I am not perfect. I have made and continue to make mistakes, but I don't want anyone, not even my worst enemy, to live like me or be like me. I need someone out there to read my story. Maybe it will teach them something. And please, don't judge me. We are all humans.

I was born in a family of five. I am the youngest. I was born in 1996, but in 2000, I lost my dad, and in 2005, I lost my mom. I was very young and didn't experience the love of parents. I started learning from the world, going around searching for the love of a family. Wherever I went, I was made to do a lot of work in exchange for food and shelter. I felt bad because other children were living well, while I was not. Sometimes, at school, the other students were afraid of me because their parents knew what had killed my parents, but I didn't know. At that time, HIV/AIDS was greatly feared, but I didn't know it was what had killed my parents. Sometimes, I had thoughts that since I was the youngest in the family, I was born with the virus, but no, I was not born with the virus.

I lived a village life, doing manual labor like gathering firewood and doing odd jobs to get food and clothes. Later, I joined an orphan group at Maua Methodist Hospital, where they built houses for us, taken over by my brother. I left town at an early age because I didn't have parents to show me what was right. I experienced my first love when I was 17 years old in 2013. I got pregnant and had to leave school. We lived with the guy, but I was not mature enough to handle the family, so our marriage was full of fights and many problems. I left the relationship when my child was 6 months old.

After years of struggling to find odd jobs in Maua town, washing clothes for Somalis to provide food for my child, my daughter turned three. I would drop her off at daycare and go to work. During that time, I entered into my second relationship in December 2016. I started dating the guy, and in February 2017, I got pregnant again. Don't ask why I wasn't using family planning. I had high blood pressure, so family planning was not an option for me. Besides, this guy loved me and my child. I was happy because I realized that someone could love me and my child. The guy was working at a supermarket in Maua town, and I was working for a security company of another lawyer in Maua town. Life was good until he lied to his parents that he had a wife and child from Meru, even though my first child was his. His parents asked many questions, and I don't know how he answered them. He was Kikuyu (my second child's father). After that, things started going downhill, but I was pregnant with our second child. He lost his job at the supermarket and stayed at home with my daughter while I went to work. Life was not good because I couldn't afford all the household bills. My guy started calling his parents, asking them for money to start his own business because he used to be a chef. But his parents refused and told him, 'We warned you never to marry an orphan or a lady from Meru, I don't know why they said that.' So, the guy told his parents that if it's not Damaris, he can't leave her, especially considering her orphan status or being poor. It's ironic because his family was very rich from Karatina. Life started to deteriorate after that.

But one day, the young man's father called me, which was something he had never done before because I knew he didn't like me. He asked me to talk to his son and convince him to join the police force because he couldn't give him a job. I talked with my man and explained everything to him, and he agreed to join the police. He entered the training school, and I was left alone with my five-month-old pregnancy. At that time, I had quit my job because of the pregnancy. I was left with my daughter alone, with no one to turn to, no family members, no one.

After two weeks, the guy's mother called me and asked me many questions. She also asked if I wanted to go to their home because she promised her son that she would take care of us. Since I had no other options, I agreed. I packed my belongings and my daughter, and we went to Karatina. That's when the troubles started. They gave me a kitchen to stay in because the guy had built his own house, and we lived there with my family. They also gave me rules not to mention that I am the wife of their son because they wanted him to marry someone from a rich family like them and not an orphan. I lived in constant stress because whenever they came to visit, I had to go to the farm with my eldest daughter. I talked with the guy at night using the police phone, updating him on everything, but he had no means to help. It became worse, and I started having high blood pressure, which caused complications with the pregnancy. I was admitted several times at Jamii Ndogo Nursing Home and sometimes at Karatina Level Four Hospital.

One day, the guy called me, and I told him I was in the hospital. Little did I know that he had called his parents and told them that I was lying because I was a customer there. When they came, they didn't talk to me. I later learned that they had poisoned their son against me. I took my daughter and my pregnancy in a car to Ruiru Prisons. I had about three weeks left before giving birth, but strangers were not allowed to enter. I begged the guards and told them my whole story. By God's luck, they allowed me in to see my man. We talked a lot, and he told me to go back home; he would come, and we would solve the issue there. He gave me 1,000 shillings, and that was the last day I saw the father of my daughter face to face.

I returned to Karatina, but when I arrived, people already knew where I had come from. They started saying that I had ruined their son's life and that I was talking about having a wife and other things. I was kicked out without anything. I left with my children, and I didn't even have a place to sleep. I was hosted by my friend in Chuka. I gave birth to my child at Chuka General Hospital, and my friend knows the whole story until now. She is the mother of my second daughter.

After that, I returned my first-born daughter to her father because I couldn't start a life with both children. I went back to square one, and neither my relatives nor the prison guards knew what I had given birth to. I tried to find him, but had no luck. I couldn't report him to the police to take care of the child and his wealthy family. I couldn't get government assistance, and the poor don't receive any help. This was my second child, a secret I have kept to myself until today.

After that, I entered into my third relationship, which was very different. The man was much older than me and a single father. I was a single mother, so we had something in common. I accepted his love, and we started living together. I knew his ex-girlfriend, and he was open with me. I didn't judge him because I also had a past. However, our love had its share of drama and many questions because we moved in together before getting tested for HIV. He said he was too busy, and I was afraid of AIDS because the virus had killed my mother. Everyone in our village believed I was born with it, so I insisted on getting tested while in a relationship. However, it was too late for me because I had already slept with him. Many people knew him as Moses Ndegwa Nderitu, a TV personality and someone with connections in Turkwel. He killed the best part of me, and that's why I'm not afraid to say his name.

After living with him for six months, I heard rumors that his ex-girlfriend was HIV positive, but I didn't believe them at first. I thought people were spreading rumors out of jealousy or because they didn't like him. Some were friends of his ex-girlfriend. I didn't believe their stories because I was HIV negative at that time, and I knew that if she was positive and we had been together for six months, I would also be sick. So I continued living my life with him and his older children who were in secondary school.

Afterward, I started feeling sick, experiencing stomach problems. I went to the Maua Methodist Hospital, where I was told I had kidney issues and stomach ulcers due to stress. I was treated, and he stood by my side during my illness. However, later on, I went to a VCT center (Voluntary Counseling and Testing) because I still believed what people were saying. That day, I underwent 15 tests at different hospitals, and each gave different results. The doctor told me to come back after two weeks. When I returned home, I told my partner, and he was shocked and no longer cared. He started mistreating me as if he knew what he was doing. He left, went back to his ex-girlfriend, and kicked me out. I was devastated because I needed a shoulder to lean on, but everyone abandoned me, even my own family. I ended up in jail because he falsely accused me of theft, claiming that I stole his belongings which were actually mine.

Despite his wealth, I had no means to defend myself. I had to bear the shame and started taking medication because I was now HIV positive, although in the early stages. I shared my situation with my brother, and he listened to me. I got a job at a club and started my life again. I struggled with my small guest, HIV, but I managed to reach an undetectable status thanks to the doctors at Maua Methodist Hospital: Dr. Mutembei, Lilian Karwitha, and the entire team. They supported me, and now ARVs have become a part of my life.

After sharing my story with my brother, the only person who cared about me, he passed away the same week in a road accident. He was in the Kenya Army. So sad. He left behind a very small family, and he was the only one who was looking out for me. I didn't know where to go or what to do. After that, I couldn't recover. I lost all hope and felt empty inside because I am all alone now. I don't have a brother, parents, children, or any relatives. I'm all alone.

Last year in December, after accepting myself and moving on with a positive attitude, I faced another test, or what can I say? I entered into another relationship. This was my fourth relationship. The guy loved me, and we used to meet at clubs and spend time together. We started as friends, and slowly we got to know each other. For me, I knew that I didn't need a man to be fine since I was doing well for myself, and I am positive. No one can demand anything from me. So, I knew that he wouldn't love me. But one day, when I was without a job, we shared a lot about ourselves, and I told him about my health condition. The guy did not judge me; he hugged me and said he would come to my place to talk more. He used to live with his family in Kiengu, but he slept at a guest house for some unknown reason. After I shared my status with him that day, he didn't come back again. And I told myself that it was better that way since he didn't want to hear many stories. But to my surprise, he came the next day and told me that he was leaving me. I was happy because I wanted to go out and have fun. I wanted someone who would ask if I had taken my medicine. Today, I moved in with the guy at my place, and we started living together. The reason I loved him was that he would take me out and we would have fun. It was something I missed in my life. He was 29, and I was 26 years old, so we were a good match. I still insisted that we go to the VCT (Voluntary Counseling and Testing) center so that he could start taking medication and not become weak. I used to have a small wine and spirits business located at the Maua Tea Buying Center. Sometimes I would leave my guy there to do the sales because we were together. Our love story continued, but there was a loan I had taken to expand the business, and that loan got me into trouble with the police. I had to sell the club; otherwise, I would face the consequences. Remember, my guy only bought food and alcohol because that was his life. So, I sold the club and went back home to pay off the loan. I was left with nothing. Now I have nothing. I don't even have a single cent. My guy started talking about being the man of the house, and I had to find a job. I couldn't look for a job in Maua because I had a club there, and I was afraid of embarrassment. People would wonder why I was asking my guy to find me a job in Nairobi, where he used to live. So, we had to shift to Nairobi. We went to Nairobi, and he told me to carry my things while he would take care of his. It turns out that he was living with another woman, and he had not told her that he had moved on or found someone else. He was afraid of going for his things or going there, so we stayed in Nairobi at my place with my stuff. Later, he told me that his brother had a place to stay but he was suffering with his relatives, so we decided to live with him while he looked for a job. I didn't refuse since he was my partner's brother, and remember, it was a single room, so he slept on a chair. There was no love anymore because his brother was there, relaxed, searching for a job while I did all the cleaning and laundry. I felt like I was married to two people, but then they started having drunken fights all the time, so the neighborhood became shameful. We had to move to another place. Now, this guy was making money, and we were eating and partying every day because parties were his thing, and he wanted to be known for buying a lot of alcohol and those things. I wasn't used to that kind of life, but I was okay with everything.

But then, we looked for a one-bedroom apartment, and that's when I found out what job my partner was doing. Most of the time, he liked going to clubs because I knew he was writing scripts or doing online writing. It turned out my guy was a conman. He created accounts using women's names, searched for their IDs, and found pictures from Instagram of beautiful women from Rwanda. He chatted with men and asked them for money. This thing started to make me uncomfortable because his brother and his friend named Sam, who was a gentle musician, trained him. Things started to get worse when I learned the truth, so I had many questions. The more I asked, the more my guy found time to escape and go to the club. He would come back the next day, and I would be left in the house with his brother and his friends, but they knew where he was. He thought it was enough, so he brought another guy to the house, and we became five people in the house. I was not okay with everything because none of them had jobs. They only cared about getting alcohol. That's when things escalated. My partner started bringing women to the house, and his friends also brought women to my place. They didn't care how I felt; they just had sex right there, while I was present. If I asked, I would be beaten up. It became too much for me, so I told the landlord everything, including my possessions in the house. The landlord gave me notice to move out and said he only allowed two people in the house, not five. I decided not to follow them.

My man beat me up and said it was my fault that we were kicked out. He made my life very difficult. They took their belongings and left me alone with no rent or food. I am one month pregnant, so I started looking for a job in clubs. When he heard that I was there, he said I shouldn't be given a job because I am a thief and a sick person. He said I could harm customers by adding something bad to their drinks. So, I stopped looking for a job in that area and found a girl on Facebook who lives in Ruiru. She had the same status as me, and she found me a job at her sister's place as a cook for construction workers. I am paid 300 shillings per day, plus 50 shillings for transportation. On Saturdays, I receive additional money. I am now here with my pregnancy, two months along, and I can't abort because of my condition. Yes, I am HIV positive. It's not my fault, and I'm not afraid to tell the world, especially the young generation, my county and the whole world.

 I want to be teaching about HIV and AIDS, life itself from my own experiences. I really want to be the ambassador for the young generation and tell them more about it. You will enjoy life now, but it will mess you up forever, and quick pleasures only last for a few moments and then pass." 

This is a story told by one of the young ladies and her experiences.

Written by; Yvonne G. Salesio